Bad Advice for Good People (a column by Patrick Freyne)
In anticipation of our National Day Patrick entreats us to remember how his namesake St. Patrick freed us from the British.

St. Patrick never thought of expense hungry councillors when he founded the nation state.

When St Patrick founded this country on the steps of the Ann Summers shop in 1916, he never foresaw the wrack and ruin Kildare’s expense-happy councillors would bring down on the nation’s head. Apparently last year the councillors of Kildare racked up more than 300,000 Euro of expenses on top of their already quite hefty payroll of over 400,000 Euro.

You could put a man into space for that.

I suggest that this year we do put a man into space. We could start by sending up a sheep in a pod. If that works, we could have a lottery to select one resident of the greater Kildare area and fire them up into the cosmos.

What do councillors do? Nothing. And what do astronauts do? Lots.
So why don’t we transfer the expense money over to Kildare’s space-department (which is located in the Ballymany Shopping Centre in Newbridge) and then we could become the first county in Ireland with an astronaut! This would be good for tourism, the technology industry, and manufacturers of space-outfits.

We would also have a fella really high-up who could tell us if the British were coming.

St. Patrick never thought of ill-disciplined students when he died fighting British Imperialism

As St. Patrick fought off the British oppressors during the famine, he never cast a thought to the ungrateful brats currently frequenting our schools.

There is a high level report currently circulating in the Department of Education on how to deal with the rising levels of ill-discipline. Some think the law should be changed to bring back corporal punishment, but if I had my way teachers would have the right to use capital punishment. Think of all the problems which could be eliminated by weeding out the trouble-makers at that early stage of the game. Currently youngsters are running riot in our class-rooms: having sex, shooting up crank, firing weapons into the air and listening to loud music.

Why should they have all the fun? Who said the children are our future? The children are their future. I’m my future. Let’s round them all up and have them killed! It’s what St. Patrick would have wanted.

St. Patrick never thought of the Eurovision song-contest as he sat down to write the National Anthem

As St. Patrick sat down with his Casio X20 to write our national anthem, he could never have foreseen the kind of schlock that was destined to represent our country in successive Eurovision song-contests.

This year we have reached a new low with Brian Kennedy, a Latvian, performing a piece called “Every song is a cry for love.” A cry of pain more like!

Did St. Patrick beat Queen Victoria in a bare knuckled boxing match at Donnelly’s Hollow for this? I think not. He would be quivering with rage. He would be swinging his huge arms (one tattooed with a picture of Cathleen Ni. Houlihan, the other etched with a likeness of Jack Charlton) preparing to rend Kennedy limb from limb. That’s not music. The National Anthem is music!

And on that note I think I should join together to sing those words that St. Patrick wrote:

There’s something strange,
In the neighbourhood,
Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters!
There’s something strange,
And it don’t look good,
Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters!

Now that’s what I call music!

This is my best advice yet.

Disclaimer: seek legal, spiritual, and financial guidance from an expert before taking any of Freyne’s advice.

Crooke, Steele and Shaft
Houses for Sale (made up by Patrick Freyne out of his mind)

27 Shady Lane, Rosslare, County Dublin. Three-bedroom semi-detached house in a family estate. Well-lit sitting room, kitchen and front bedroom. Good storage space. Excellent pebble-dash exterior. No front wall. Excellent location. A bike-ride, a bus route, and a train journey from some one who once read a book about the city centre of Dublin. Accepting offers up to 475,000 Euro.

332 Moorefield Terrace. Georgian-style four-bedroom terraced house in a Dublin suburb. Plenty of storage space. En-Suite bathrooms. Downstairs extension suitable for invalid or lazy person. This property features a built-in cooker, bay windows, and a decomposing dead man. Requesting offers in excess of 725,000 Euro

Jessie’s Dream House. House-style dwelling in the greater Dublin area. Currently in the bedroom of a small girl. Perfect for very small couple. Dream Car, costumes and accessories are also included. Some repair necessary. Accepting offers in the region of 380,000 Euro.

5 Marlborough Place. An attractive apartment in a desirable neighbourhood. 5 Marlborough Place is a sizeable two-bedroom apartment. Measuring some 81 sq meters the apartment enjoys many impressive features, including wrap around windows, and generous living rooms. Built on an ancient Indian burial ground, quaint supernatural activity is a bonus! Priced at 500,000 Euro and one human soul.

65 Mullholland Drive. Sexy two-bedroom house in an up-and-coming area. Living room features special window ‘boards’ and the kitchen contains sink, junkie and fashionable ‘heroin baby’. Bars on window and local “colour” an additional attraction! Accepting offers from 390,000 Euro, a Pete Doherty album and a bag of smack.

6 Longville Road. A house with local history! A Pleasant 3-bedroom semi-detached residence with a garage and hidden room. This house features a storm porch, an entrance hall with under-stairs storage, and a spacious living room. Exotic human-flesh-like smell only adds to its appeal!
Accepting offers of 420,000 Euro and over.

Courtney House. House with potential, needs some work. No roof. No walls. No floor. Big window with no glass or frame. Perfect for the absolutely desperate or for a Barney-like individual with a good imagination.
Suggested price: 1 million Euro and a sound thrashing.

Under the Bridge. Unique property with a view of the river and surrounded by picturesque gruff goats. Some work required vis-à-vis damp. Perfect for Anthony Kiedas of the Red Hot Chile Peppers, a Troll, or a first-time-buyer at an asking price of 396,000 Euro.

254 Thomas Street (at the moment). One-bedroom Ford Fiesta built in the 1980s. Surprisingly spacious. Features an ash tray, a comfortable dining seat, and an intriguing stench. Exterior a special ‘smoked’ texture. Ideal for a homeless drug-dealer or a young professional trying to get a toe-hold on the property ladder. An asking price of 432,000 Euro.

15 The Land Bridge. Buy a beautiful four-bedroom-detached property in a historic location. Live for yourself on the theoretical land-bridge over which our ancestors crossed from France to the British Isles in pursuit of Elk. Currently under water but this might change. Perfect investment opportunity for a dazzled property-mad Irish peasant. Asking price: 9 million Euro.